Lately I have been struggling with well, everything. I feel like I haven't been the kind and encouraging wife I want to be. I feel like I am a crumby homemaker, no pun intended. I feel like I am a disconnected and selfish friend. And above all I feel like I have been a grumpy, awful mom. I know these things aren't true but that is where my mind has been going. Finally coming out of the fog of sleep deprivation (it was like having a newborn for 11 months!) has made me feel alive again. I am able to have sane conversations with Shane again. I am making playdates and realizing that I need to use my MOPS time as a ministry rather than just something I do. I am taking care of my body and starting to feel it. And I am seeing that my time of less-than-perfecting mothering is starting to come out in the kids. I don't want them to become yellers or be angry at one another. I read this amazing blog post and hope to some day have the same outcome the writer did. Some day. For now I am coming to terms with what is perfect for my family in this season of life. We have been having nice weather and the back yard is coming together the way I have envisioned it for years so I decided that we were going to eat dinner outside. And I was going to take pictures and post them on facebook so all could revel in how together I seem to be now. But the wind came up so everyone had to find their jackets and shoes which took way longer than I thought for this impromptu outdoor dinner. Then with where the sun was at this time there are lattice shadows across everyone's faces and no one wants to smile when dinner is finally ready. There is cous cous in the baby's hair. I'm not in the "family" picture. Oh I could go on.
So it was then and there I finally realized that I don't have it all together. There is no possible way to be perfect. But I have to be what is great for me, for our family. We love our Sunday salmon dinners, we got some vitamin D, and spent time together. Lincoln shoved too much food in his mouth at one point in time and thew half of his dinner up onto his plate. Then the boys all took a bath together and we settled into the evening routine.
At a MOPS meeting recently a friend commented that it seems like I had it all together. Sure I try not to post negative things on facebook and I like to pin what my dream life could be like on Pinterest but I know I am no where near together. I think I'm doing an ok job at what God has given me but I want to do better. So as I strive to "have it all together,"I also want to be transparent and sincere enough to let every mom know that there are hard days, there are times of struggle, there are moments where you really don't think you have it in you to scrub one more super hero plate of dried on macaroni, times when yelling just seems like the only solution and times when things are 100% perfect in the moment. Look for those great times and just be in the moment. That is my goal and I challenge you to do the same. Because you never know when something else imperfect can become great.
When your backyard becomes the neighborhood water park.
When a stack of pay stubs can become Captain America arm shields.